I was inspired to write this post by a comment I received on this post. Also, it’s been a long time since I’ve done a Fearless Friday post, I feel good doing this one.

In the post, I wrote that my husband is the disciplinarian in our family. In rereading the post, I can see how one might take that to mean I let him have that role because he is the man, but that’s not the case.

My husband is the main disciplinarian because he is better at it than me. It used to be a shared responsibility, but for now it isn’t. This doesn’t mean I don’t discipline my children on a daily basis, my kids listen to and respect both my husband and I. They do know that my husband is the stricter of the two of us, so there are times when they test me, but for the most part, my children are very well behaved. However, when they do need punishment for something more than a timeout behavior or they are having on off day, I let my husband handle the situation.

I struggle with an undiagnosed mental illness… I don’t even know what’s wrong with me.

I’ve never discussed this on my blog, or really with anyone other than my husband and best friend, so this is a big step for me. I feel comfortable here and I feel ready to talk about this openly so that I can begin the healing process.

I had a hard pregnancy with my last child, both physically and mentally. Physically, I have healed. Mentally, I’m still broken.

I had some PPD but, something else happened to. Something I don’t understand and something I have been afraid to seek help for.

Shortly after my baby was born, I became very emotional and withdrawn from everyone, except my baby. That lasted a short amount of time. What came next was even worse.

Something inside of me feels unbalanced and out of control. I am plagued by chronic headaches, emotional instability and mood swings. Everything will be fine and then suddenly, I’m in a terrible mood for no reason. I am depressed and resentful towards others. Often I feel like I’m watching these things happen and I want to stop myself, but I don’t know how. This used to happen every now and then, but then I changed birth control and the symptoms became worse and happened more often. I’ve attempted to seek treatment, or simply have the birth control removed, but each time I make the appointment, they ask me about depression and want to know if I’m suicidal and need to speak with mental health. I fear that if I answer yes, outside parties will get involved and say I’m unfit to care for my kids. This is most certainly not true, I am a great parent and my kids have everything they need, both physically and emotionally. I don’t know why I have this fear it if it’s even rational, but I have decided to have this form of bc removed and go back to the bc I know has always worked for me. From that point on I will decide if any additional help is needed based on my mental state. Right now, after having a big meltdown recently, I feel happier and more in control than I have since I got pregnant and getting this out had only helped to ease my pain as well.

As for how this ties into my husband being this disciplinarian, because of my mood swings and inability to think rationally when something upsets me, it’s better for for me to say, “you need to spend time thinking about this and when your dad gets home, we’ll discuss it with him.” This gives me the ability to walk away and take time to cool off if needed. This prevents me from acting out in anger and I feel like it is the right decision.

Besides, it works for us. Even when I conquer this illness, I believe my husband will remain our main disciplinarian, and I will discipline my kids when necessary, any big behavior issue will be discussed as a family and my husband will have the final say in his to handle it. As I said in the comments section of the same post, in a Christian household, the man oz the head of the household. I trust my husband to make the best decisions for our family through Jesus.